I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
