Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
