Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
