Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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