is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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