The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
