I could make wine with my vomit
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
