Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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