Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
