Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
