I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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