dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
