I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
