Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
