it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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