I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She told me I should be a condom model.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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