omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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