I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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