i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
