Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Randomize
