The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
