How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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