I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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