I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
