I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
