the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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