sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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