Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
