everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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