At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
