Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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