I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
In other news, I just burned my penis
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
