omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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