just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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