Where is the hickey?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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