He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you would pick up someone in the library
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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