I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
