dude i'm inner monologue high
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
