she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
