party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
