but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize