I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
