haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
