So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
