I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
