ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
