hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
