No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
