If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
