I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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