tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize