Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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