no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
