why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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