i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
