I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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