my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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