I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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