I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
